'SORRY YOU WERE OUT' By David Braziel
(A first reading by David at Open Mic Night Abbey Lane Theatre Armagh 29/11/19)
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 2019 17:32:12 +0000 From: Fred Austin <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; To: David Braziel <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; Subject: Delivery Mr Braziel, We attempted to deliver a parcel today but you were out. Our driver left the small crate containing a live game bird in the shed at the rear of your property and the accompanying ornamental fruit tree is behind your wheelie bin. Thank you for using Acme Delivery Services.
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 2019 18:04:10 +0000 From: Fred Austin <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; To: David Braziel <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; Subject: Delivery Mr Braziel, We attempted delivery of a parcel today but you were out. Our driver noticed that yesterday’s crate was still in your shed and he was concerned for the bird’s welfare so reclaimed it and took it with the two additional ornamental birds in todays delivery to leave with your neighbour at number 27. Your fruit tree is still behind the wheelie bin. Thank you for using Acme Delivery Services.
Date: Wed, 4 Dec 2019 17:09:43 +0000 From: Fred Austin <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; To: David Braziel <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; Subject: Delivery Mr Braziel, We attempted delivery of a parcel today but you were out. Noticing that the delivery contained more live birds our driver took them to your neighbour at number 27 who was reluctant to accept them saying that: 1. You had still not collected the previous deliveries and 2. She was not fond of chickens and these three smelled strongly of garlic. She was eventually persuaded to take delivery of the birds but we urge you to collect them as soon as possible. Your fruit tree is now in your wheelie bin. Thank you for using Acme Delivery Services.
Date: Thu, 5 Dec 2019 17:49:31 +0000 From: Fred Austin <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; To: David Braziel <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; Subject: Delivery Mr Braziel We attempted delivery of a parcel today but you were out. I am told that your neighbour at number 27, possibly alerted by the calling from todays package, refused to open her door and was, in the drivers words, "literally spitting feathers" when he did manage to speak to her. We left this latest parcel containing four more birds with your neighbour at number 31. If you are speaking to your neighbour from number 27 could you tell her that the large bottle of carpet and upholstery cleaner she ordered for next day delivery are at number 31 and also that our driver was upset by her tone and her questioning of his parentage. The driver has requested a transfer to a different route and a new driver will now be serving your area. Thank you for using Acme Delivery Services
. Date: Fri, 6 Dec 2019 18:21:50 +0000 From: Fred Austin <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; To: David Braziel <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; Subject: Delivery Mr Braziel, I am pleased to inform you that today’s package was successfully delivered. This was fortunate because both of your neighbours were very clear with our driver that having finally got rid of the previous packages they would only accept future deliveries over, and I quote, their "dead bodies". The new driver has raised a complaint that he sustained a number of minor injuries to his hand from several sharp beaks while putting five jewellery boxes through your letterbox. He also added that given the subsequent commotion coming from inside your hallway he could not guarantee what state the parcels would be in when you arrive home. I refer you to our dangerous pets policy attached. Thank you for using Acme Delivery Services.
Date: Sat, 7 Dec 2019 16:55:17 +0000 From: Fred Austin <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; To: David Braziel <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; Subject: Excess Charge Due Dear Mr Braziel I am writing to inform you of an excess charge on your account due to todays delivery. Since you were not at home to pay the additional charge our driver returned the crate to our warehouse. The delivery was described on the manifest as containing six live geese on departure but on arrival it was found to also included three dozen eggs. We have had an interesting discussion in the office about whether this would constitute additional weight but it certainly adds additional volume so the penalty charge is due. No further deliveries will be made to your house until your account is settled.
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 2019 12:00:00 +0000 From: Fred Austin <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; To: All Customers Subject: Possible Delivery Delays Dear Customer We are writing to all of our customers today to inform you of possible delays in our delivery schedule. During an incident at our depot this morning seven members of our sorting team each suffered a broken arm while trying to prevent the escape of a group of large, aquatic birds. Due to the damage caused and the ensuing chaos in the warehouse we were unable to determine who the intended recipient of these birds was (although we think we can guess). The police have been informed since the birds are a protected species belonging to the crown estate so should never have been put in the postal system in the first place. The warehouse will be closed for several days while we regroup and recover. In compensation for any inconvenience caused we are entering all customers into a prize draw with the chance to win one of six traditionally stuffed, oven-ready geese - a perfect roast for your Christmas table.
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2019 10:14:03 +0000 From: Fred Austin <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; To: All Customers Subject: Recent News Dear Customer I’m sure you have all been following the news over the past five days about the spate of kidnappings across the country involving very specific numbers of dairy workers, ballerinas, peers of the realm, musicians and drummers. You may also be aware of the dawn raid on our warehouse this morning which, we are pleased to say, resulted in the safe discovery of all 50 of the kidnap victims who were unharmed but naturally very distressed. We would like to make it clear that Acme Delivery Services had no involvement in this crime and are unable to explain how they all came to be in our warehouse, which has been closed since the swan incident. We are, of course, helping the police with their enquiries. Given recent events we find ourselves unable to handle the stress of running a Christmas delivery service so today will be our final day of deliveries and you will receive no more emails from us. if you were expecting a parcel but were not at home today to receive it, try looking behind your wheelie bin.